The Sleep Divorce: Why More Couples Are Sleeping Separately

Sharing a bed is often seen as a cornerstone of a romantic relationship, a symbol of intimacy and closeness. But what happens when sharing that space means sacrificing sleep? For a growing number of couples, the answer is a "sleep divorce", a conscious decision to sleep in separate beds or even separate rooms.

This trend isn't necessarily a sign of trouble in paradise.

Instead, many couples are prioritising quality rest to improve their health, mood, and, ultimately, their relationship. Constant disturbances, from a partner's snoring to different temperature preferences, can lead to sleep deprivation, which a study from Ohio State University found can make couples more hostile toward one another.

This guide explores the rise of the sleep divorce, digging into why couples are sleeping separately and what it means for modern relationships. We'll also provide practical tips and solutions for those who want to achieve better sleep, whether together or apart.

What Is a Sleep Divorce?

A sleep divorce is an agreement between a couple to sleep in separate beds or rooms to improve their quality of rest. Sleep scientist Wendy Troxel prefers the term "sleep alliance," as it highlights that the decision is a cooperative solution to a shared problem, rather than a sign of conflict.

The trend is gaining traction. A 2023 survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) revealed that more than one-third of Americans sleep apart from their partners either occasionally or consistently. Millennials are leading the charge, with 43% choosing to sleep separately, compared to just 22% of baby boomers. In the UK, searches for "sleep divorce" have increased by 86%, showing a clear interest in alternative sleeping arrangements for couples.

This isn't a new concept.

Historically, it was common for affluent couples to have separate bedrooms. In Ancient Rome, couples often used one bed for conversation and intimacy before retiring to their own sleeping quarters. The idea that sharing a bed is essential for a healthy relationship is a relatively modern one, popularised in the 20th century.

Today, the stigma is fading as people recognise that good sleep is fundamental to well-being.

Why Are Couples Choosing to Sleep Separately?

The reasons behind the sleep divorce movement are as varied as the couples themselves. The core issue is sleep disruption, which can stem from numerous sources.

Snoring and Sleep Apnoea

Snoring and relationship sleep problems are a major catalyst for couples sleeping apart. Searches for "divorce over snoring" have surged by 100% in the UK. While often seen as a mere annoyance, persistent snoring can be a symptom of underlying health conditions like sleep apnea, a disorder where breathing repeatedly stops and starts. This not only disturbs the snorer's partner but also impacts the snorer's own health.

Different Sleep Schedules and Body Clocks

One partner might be an early bird while the other is a night owl. Conflicting work schedules or natural body clocks (chronotypes) mean that one person's movements can easily wake the other. Dr Maja Schaedel, co-founder of The Good Sleep Clinic, notes that these differing schedules can cause "real issues" for couples trying to share a bed.

Restlessness and Movement

A partner who tosses and turns all night can make it impossible for the other person to get deep, restorative sleep. A study from the University of Michigan found that sharing a bed can compromise sleep quality, leading to more fights and relationship strain. Even minor movements can pull you out of a deep sleep cycle without you fully realising it.

Temperature Differences

One of the most common battlegrounds in the bedroom is the thermostat.

One partner might feel perpetually cold while the other is always too hot. Body temperature naturally drops to initiate sleep, but menopause, hormonal changes, or individual metabolism can lead to conflicting temperature needs. As superintendent pharmacist Carolina Goncalves points out, the body struggles to regulate temperature during REM sleep, making a partner's body heat a significant disruptor.

See also - The Art of Couple Sleep - How Sharing a Bed Can Boost Your Mood and Wellbeing

The Pros and Cons of a Sleep Divorce

Choosing separate beds for better sleep comes with both benefits and potential drawbacks. It's crucial for couples to weigh these factors and communicate openly.

Potential Benefits

• Improved Sleep Quality: The most obvious benefit is better rest. A Hilton trends report found that 63% of travellers sleep better alone. Uninterrupted sleep leads to improved physical health, mental clarity, and emotional regulation.
• A Stronger Relationship: It may sound counterintuitive, but sleeping apart can bring couples closer. When both partners are well-rested, they are often more patient, empathetic, and engaged. As telehealth counsellor Stacy Thiry explains, better sleep can reduce "bickering" and "frustration."
• Personal Space: Having your own sleeping space provides a sanctuary to decompress and recharge. Londoner Melanie Turner, who chose a sleep divorce, described her separate room as "a space from having teenage children, somewhere to decompress… It’s definitely given me the space to be calmer and much happier.”

Potential Drawbacks

• Reduced Intimacy: A common concern is that sleeping apart will diminish physical and emotional intimacy. Spontaneous moments of closeness, like cuddling before sleep or waking up together, are lost. A study by the University of Hertfordshire found that 94% of couples who made physical contact during sleep were happy with their relationship, compared to 68% of those who didn't.
• Social Stigma: Despite the growing normalisation, some couples fear judgment from friends and family, who might see separate beds as a sign of a failing relationship. Vannessa Viljoen, who sleeps apart from her partner, anticipates friends thinking they are in the "doghouse."
• Masking Deeper Issues: A sleep divorce should be a solution for sleep incompatibility, not an escape from relationship problems. If one partner leaves the room in anger after a fight, it could be a way of avoiding conflict rather than solving a sleep issue. Clinical psychologist Dr Cheryl Fraser calls it a "mild pink flag," warning that it's "not a big leap from healthy solitude to a little bit of distance."

See also - Best Bedding Options for Hot Sleepers

How to Improve Sleep Without Sleeping Apart

If a full sleep divorce feels too drastic, there are many ways to improve sleep quality for couples sharing a bed. The key is to identify the source of the disruption and find a targeted solution.

For Snoring and Breathing Issues

If your partner’s snoring is the problem, encourage them to see a doctor to rule out sleep apnea. For those diagnosed with the condition, a CPAP machine is a common treatment. To make this more comfortable, a CPAP Pillow is specifically designed with cut-outs to accommodate the mask and hose, reducing pressure on the face and preventing air leaks. This allows both partners to sleep more soundly.

For Movement and Restlessness

If you're constantly being jostled by a restless partner, a simple yet effective solution is a bed wedge. Placing a wedge pillow under the upper body can reduce tossing and turning by providing stable support. It also helps elevate the head, which can alleviate snoring and acid reflux.

For Temperature Disagreements

The Scandinavian sleep method, which involves using two separate duvets, is a game-changer for couples with different temperature needs. This allows each person to choose their preferred level of warmth. A wool duvet is an excellent choice, as wool is a natural, breathable fibre that helps regulate body temperature. It keeps you warm when you're cold and cool when you're hot, creating a comfortable microclimate for each sleeper.

For Different Light and Sound Preferences

Simple tools can make a huge difference.

If one partner likes to read while the other wants to sleep, a high-quality eye mask can block out light. Similarly, earplugs can muffle the sounds of a snoring partner or late-night phone scrolling.

See also - Bedding Solutions for CPAP Users: Sleep Comfortably, Breathe Freely

How to Make a Sleep Divorce Work for Your Relationship

If you've tried other solutions and decided that couples sleeping separately is the right choice for you, communication is essential.

1. Have an Open Conversation: Discuss why you want to try sleeping apart. Frame it as a mutual goal to improve health and happiness, not as a rejection of your partner.
2. Set "Sleep Divorce Rules": Decide on the logistics. Will you have separate rooms or just separate beds? Who sleeps where? Setting clear expectations prevents misunderstandings.
3. Schedule Intimacy: Be intentional about maintaining physical and emotional connection. Schedule "cuddle time" before bed or in the morning. As author Marcella Hill said on TikTok, “It’s pretty sexy to be able to invite each other over.”
4. Create Your Own Sanctuaries: Personalise your separate sleeping spaces. Make them comfortable and inviting so that they feel like a retreat, not a place of exile.
5. Check In Regularly: Revisit the arrangement periodically to ensure it’s still working for both of you. A sleep divorce should be a flexible solution that adapts to your needs.

See also - Choosing the Right Organic Pillow for Sleep Apnoea Relief

Your Path to Better Sleep

Ultimately, the decision of how to arrange your sleeping lives belongs to you and your partner. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. For some, sharing a bed is a non-negotiable part of their bond. For others, a sleep divorce is the key to a healthier, happier life together. As sleep expert Neil Stanley puts it, “Sleep divorce isn’t a punishment, it is doing the best for each other.”

Prioritising rest is an act of self-care that benefits not only you but your relationship as well. Whether you choose to sleep together or apart, the goal is the same: a peaceful night that leaves you refreshed and ready to connect with the person you love.

Ready to find your solution? Explore our range of sleep aids, from supportive CPAP Pillows to temperature-regulating wool duvets and comfortable bed wedges, to Improve Sleep Quality Now.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the sleep divorce rules?

There are no official rules, as each couple must decide what works for them. However, common guidelines include having an open discussion about the reasons for sleeping separately, scheduling time for intimacy, and regularly checking in to ensure both partners are happy with the arrangement. The goal is to make it a positive solution, not a source of conflict.

What is the sleep divorce trend?

The sleep divorce trend refers to the increasing number of couples who choose to sleep in separate beds or rooms to improve their sleep quality. It is driven by a greater awareness of the importance of sleep for overall health and well-being and a lessening of the social stigma associated with not sharing a marital bed.

What are the disadvantages of a sleep divorce?

The main disadvantages can include a potential reduction in physical intimacy and spontaneous moments of closeness. There is also a risk of feeling emotionally distant if the couple doesn't make an effort to connect in other ways. Some people may also face social stigma or feel that it reflects poorly on their relationship's health.

Why do couples choose a sleep divorce?

Couples choose a sleep divorce for various reasons, all stemming from sleep disruption. Common causes include snoring, different sleep schedules, restlessness, conflicting temperature preferences, and a partner's use of electronic devices in bed. The primary motivation is to get better, uninterrupted sleep.